Has 2020 officially been canceled? Aside from the devastating toll COVID-19 has taken on the world, it has done a number on our social and professional lives. The majority of New Yorkers have been left at home to wonder when the next time they’ll be able to get back to normal life.
Although many of us are struggling to change our daily routines, many parents are struggling on how to deal with kids being home from school indefinitely. It has become especially challenging for those parents who are divorced and have a shared custody agreement, leaving many to wonder how to continue abiding by their custody agreements.
So how are co-parents working through this difficult time? It is safe to say that communication is key and the only way to get through the pandemic as smoothly as possible. It is important for parents to remember that their children’s best interests must come first. Children are already struggling with the fact that there is a massive change in their everyday routine and adding the stress of custody differences between parents is not the best for the child.
Co-parenting During a Pandemic
In an agreement of shared custody, it is of course important for the child to have access to both parents as scheduled. But with the current pandemic it may get difficult for parents to abide by their set schedule, especially with the encouragement of “social distancing”. Many parents living nearby one another have amicably agreed to stick to their current custody schedule. But for parents that don’t live next to each other, it has become quite difficult to follow their standing agreement.
Some parents are choosing to split the kids up between households based on factors including health issues, dietary restrictions, and mutual interests making it easier for the co-parents to maintain a healthy and stress-free household.
More recently, the leaders from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and Association of Family and Conciliation Courts have released guidelines for co-parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although most of these are obvious, they are a good reminder for those parents who feel overwhelmed to say the least:
1. BE HEALTHY.
Comply with all CDC and local and state guidelines and model good behavior for your children with intensive hand washing, wiping down surfaces and other objects that are frequently touched, and maintaining social distancing. This also means BE INFORMED. Stay in touch with the most reliable media sources and avoid the rumor mill on social media.
2. BE MINDFUL.
Be honest about the seriousness of the pandemic, but maintain a calm attitude and convey to your children your belief that everything will return to normal in time. Avoid making careless comments in front of the children and exposing them to endless media coverage intended for adults. Don’t leave the news on 24/7, for instance. But, at the same time, encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns and answer them truthfully at a level that is age appropriate.
3. BE COMPLIANT with court orders and custody agreements.
As much as possible, try to avoid reinventing the wheel despite the unusual circumstances. The custody agreement or court order exists to prevent endless haggling over the details of timesharing. In some jurisdictions there are even standing orders mandating that, if schools are closed, custody agreements should remain in force as though school were still in session.
4. BE CREATIVE.
At the same time, it would be foolish to expect that nothing will change when people are being advised not to fly and vacation attractions such as amusement parks, museums and entertainment venues are closing all over the US and the world. In addition, some parents will have to work extra hours to help deal with the crisis and other parents may be out of work or working reduced hours for a time. Plans will inevitably have to change. Encourage closeness with the parent who is not going to see the child through shared books, movies, and games, and communication through FaceTime or Skype.
5. BE TRANSPARENT.
Provide honest information to your co-parent about any suspected or confirmed exposure to the virus, and try to agree on what steps each of you will take to protect the child from exposure. Certainly both parents should be informed at once if the child is exhibiting any possible symptoms of the virus.
6. BE GENEROUS.
Try to provide makeup time to the parent who missed out, if at all possible. Family law judges expect reasonable accommodations when they can be made and will take seriously concerns raised in later filings about parents who are inflexible in highly unusual circumstances.
7. BE UNDERSTANDING.
There is no doubt that the pandemic will pose an economic hardship and lead to lost earnings for many, many parents, both those who are paying child support and those who are receiving child support. The parent who is paying should try to provide something, even if it can’t be the full amount. The parent who is receiving payments should try to be accommodating under these challenging and temporary circumstances.
Adversity can become an opportunity for parents to come together and focus on what is best for the child. For many children, the strange days of the pandemic will leave vivid memories. It’s important for every child to know and remember that both parents did everything they could to explain what was happening and to keep their child safe.
Source: AFCC/AAML Press Release on Co-parenting during COVID-19.
For those that want to explore this topic in more depth, here is a 40 minute webinar from family non-profit FamilyKind that deals with Co-Parenting during the Coronavirus / COVID-19 pandemic:
The most important aspect in the current environment is to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Set a good example for your children by showing them that they must regularly wash their hands and keep frequently touched areas free of germs. Don’t forget to be mindful when you are around your kids. It is important to be serious during a time like this but also important to remain calm as your kids look up to you on how to act during this time. Off course try to be as compliant as possible with the current court orders and custody agreements unless health restrictions prevent you from doing so. Now is the time to be as creative as possible. With your children at home it is important to maintain a schedule but also keep them entertained and have their minds working keeping them busy.
Honesty is the best policy now more than ever when communicating with your co-parent/former spouse. Be honest with them if you’re feeling unwell. After all it is better to be safe and take the appropriate precautions to protect your children. Don’t forget to be generous with your co-parent/former spouse. If circumstances don’t allow the given scheduled time with children, try to accommodate him or her for a later time and to allow time to be made up. And lastly, don’t forget to be understanding and patient. It is important to remember that you’re not the only one going through this rough time. Keeping these tips in mind should result in a smooth transition if both sides work together to keep it that way.